What I am about to post is a long letter to the last girl I was involved with. I posted this on my livejournal just now and in one week, it's getting closed out. I don't need it anymore.
So I am going to publicly post it here. I know that in due time word will get to her and she will see it. And I know she will deny it, lie, and conjure up stories so that you will believe her. But you know what? The truth is out there, and that's how it's gonna be.
An open letter:
I never thought that I'd find myself sitting down here writing what I am about to say. I feared the repercussions of what could happen. But after events of last week, I fear nothing.
To you Sinh Taylor... Fuck you. Fuck you for the emotional trauma that you put me through ever since our first intimate night. Let it be known that I do not hate you. I merely despise you. I say that because you were there for me during a difficult time in my life. During that time, you showed me it was okay to love someone and not have a mental breakdown. So I give you that.
During the past four years, our friendship took an interesting turn. You would start to goad me into trying to date you, but to only fail in the process because you could not handle a long distance relationship. And I respected that. Despite every guy you dated that treated you like a piece of shit, I held back...
Do you remember the fight between you and Ryan? I do. I remember it quite well. We were all in Keyth's basement hanging out after a con. You sat on the floor, Ryan on the couch. He put his foot on your head like it was a stepstool. I moved it and he would put it back. My breaking point at that time was when he exploded and could not deal anymore. Instead of me punching him, I ran out and cried. I sat on a corner from the house and cried to your sister and our friends that were there that night. I cried because how he was treating you and I was helpless to do anything. And when things got worse between him and you, you came to me because I was there.
Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Do you remember when we made love? I do. Do you remember the first words out of your mouth? I do. You asked me if I liked you. I wanted to tell you that I loved you more than anything and hold you close. Do you remember what I said instead? I said that I kinda liked you. If that hurt you, then I'm sorry. I told you that because I didn't want to complicate things between you and Ryan. I never thought that our one night affair would snowball into this.
Let's move ahead to our Thanksgiving dinner. Let us not forget our fight we had. You know I did not like him and how he treated you like a piece of furniture. You know that I did my best to tolerate him, and I couldn't. But if it wasn't for Carmen, I would have left and stayed in Jersey with my best friend Patti. That's right. You pissed me off enough to make me leave my own house and not return until you left. But later that night we all went out and had fun. You also showed me a scar. It was a scar you made from cutting yourself. You said that was from something I said that you never elaborated. I felt so guilty that night. I never wanted to hurt you, and I felt that I failed myself and you.
But the emotional trauma doesn't stop here.
Don't forget Howard. Don't forget how you came to see him. Don't forget how you conveniently not tell me you were coming up until 2 days prior. Don't forget how you didn't tell him about our sordid history. He told me you were coming up. And then one of many betrayals happens. You slept with him. Let me reiterate... You came up to NYC and had a sordid affair with one of my friends! A friend that I came close to attacking because of what you did. A friend that I resented for 6 months because of what you did. Let us not forget the fight we had too. I called you out for that. I wanted to know why you did it. What made you to sleep with one of my friends, knowing how I felt about you? Do you know what you said? You said, "I gave you six hints about us and you said nothing."
Six hints. Knowing very well that I wanted to date you and be with you, and that I said that too, you have the audacity to feed me that line of six hints. That was the second time you hurt me. And then you walked out the door. I fell to my knees and cried. I called my best friend and begged her to come over because I was so hurt and unstable that I could have done almost anything.
But as the saying goes, "Time heals all wounds."
NYAF rolls around. Here I am being Mr. Nice Guy. You needed a place to stay and I said sure. That Friday night, you wanted to get freaky with your homegirl and my roommate's brother... And he has a girlfriend! The fact that I stopped it from happening, you resented me for it the whole weekend. You hated to look at me. You also insulted me and calling me an arrogant asshole. You didn't care that he has a girlfriend, but as long as you got what you wanted, you didn't care.
And then here comes NYCC. That night in my room while I was on the computer finishing up stuff, you told me to come to bed. So I did. I didn't want to though. I didn't want to keep being that guy. But you kissed me and we started making out. Before anything went any further, I asked you if you wanted to do this and you said yes. No sooner after we started, you stopped and said get off me. And I did. You packed up your stuff and left the next day and not tell anyone. I was worried sick about you. And that's when our next fight happened. You said to me that I have a power over you and that you could never say no to me. LIES. There is no power. What we did is what you wanted. The first time we were together, you said that when you're here that we're gonna do our thing. I asked you to elaborate. You said that our thing is what we just did.
During this time we talked. You told me that what we did is okay because you're polyamorous. You also said that's how it should be. And you said it in a way that this was to be expected of me. I want you to know that while I was dealing with you, it was hard for me to find someone to be with. And after your revelation, I tried my best to find someone who was also poly and/or believed in open relationships.
And now we come down towards the end of things.
In this we return to NYAF where you lie once more. You told people that I raped you. You told people that I came into your bed and had my way with you. You also said that you dragged and crawled to the bathroom where I sexually assaulted you again. I found this out from someone else. I asked you why you lied about this. You said that you did not remember ever saying anything of the like. This doesn't surprise me. Whenever you get in trouble, you're the first to blame others and/or your other personalities. I also discovered the truth about your multiple personality disorder. The fact that you threatened to change into your psychotic one on me proves it. I also don't believe that you were locked up into a mental institution.
And that brings us to today. You sit here and lie to your current boy toy that I stalk you and I creep you out. You tell him that I refer to you and Anya as my wife and daughter. You also tell him that I don't want you to be happy. The truth is that I always want you to be happy. I never stopped you from that. I've called you my wifey only because you've called me your hubby first. Also it's hard for me to stalk and creep you when I live in NYC and you're in Philly, please explain that.
What I find hurtful is that you've lied about these things. And also that how you can't say anything nice to me when you're sober. I remember countless nights that you were drunk, yelling that you wish that you never had Anya, but you kept her because you were too attached to her.
During this I see how selfish you truly are. You destroyed a friendship in PA Jedi just to be with someone and that failed. I would say the same about you in your gamer clan, but it's not, and yet it seems that way. It amuses me how you complain about not having a job, and yet you spent countless hours playing on Xbox live with your gamerclan. There is more to life than just that.
You are 24, not 14. You seriously need to grow up and take responsibilities for your actions. As much as I am there for you, you don't care as long as what you got what you wanted. You talk about how you're getting married and yet this is your 3rd or 4th engagement.
Since our blowout, I've slowly been trying to piece my life together. While dealing with you, I found it very hard to talk to other girls I was interested in. I have had girls tell me their feelings about me and I reject them because it didn't fit into what you wanted. So now I have to retrain myself and get back into the social game.
I hope that this works for you. If not, remember, I will not be there for you.
One of the last things you've said to me is that your life is just like Scott Pilgrim VS The World. And yes I do have to agree. You were the Ramona to my Scott. But now you're the Envy to my Scott.
I hope you have the time of your life. And when we ever start talking again, I hope that you grow up and matured, understand the emotional pain and hell you put me through. But I'm not holding my breath. For what it's worth, I dated another girl that hurt me. The only difference there is that she apologized for it and we're great friends.
As I sit back and look back between the time I wrote this and now. In light of the last paragraph, I am currently dating the girl who apologized. The love that we have for each other is stronger than anything that we ever had. I've told her all about you and she sees how mentally and emotionally unstable I am. And you know what? She's been there for me, and I have been for her. Unlike you, she's a wonderful mother. She puts her kids first, unlike you. You left your kid behind to be with some guy in Florida. It's going to be sad when you come back that your daughter will not know who you are. I hope that is a wakeup call for you. I really do, because I rememebr the many conversations that we had that you wanted to give your child away.
In closing, I hope that somehow that this gets through your skull and make you realize what your priorities are. If not, then there is no hope for you.
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